praise the lord =)

I have to say, I am so proud of myself. *self-pat on the back*

I changed my own spark plugs and wires in my new Saturn today! Be proud, Dad. And thanks, Chad, for loaning me the tools and walking me through it last time so I could do it myself this time =) I'm even doing a little touch up paint work where the clear coat had peeled off a couple of trim pieces. Again, thanks Chad for talking me through it.

Yes, indeed, I have been blessed with a new(er) Saturn...a 96 SL2, Red, 5 speed, sunroof (see picture in previous post)...haven't determined if it's a girl or boy car yet. Tho I am leaning toward the name "The Red Baron" (or Baroness) in honor of Snoopy's adventures.

Dave Ramsey would be proud, too. I paid cash for it at a super small (10 cars on the lot total) dealer up in Gallatin. I can't even begin to tell you how God worked out each and every one of the details along the way.

I can trust you. I get it. I mean I really, really get it. Not just with my finances, but with the timing, too. I can trust you.

Thank you, Jesus, for providing just the right car, at just the right price, at just the right time, and just the right people who helped me along the way.

"when you feel like you're gonna faint, don't!"

that was from Tyler Perry's movie, "Daddy's Little Girls." Heather and I watched it Sunday night after an afternoon of nothing. it was a most welcome thing (the nothing and the movie) amongst the stress of trying to find a car before my apt's tow mine off the property (are we that snooty and insensitive to people's needs? i mean seriously, this place is not "low rent" but it's not "new money" or anything either).

the car prospects have seemed promising over the phone. then in person, not so much. evidently "a few scratches that you can hardly see" translates into the WHOLE passenger side of the vehicle being scratched from end to end by a guardrail they hit. brake lights not working, headliner sagging, seats broken, etc...

then a glimmer of hope:

a 96 Saturn, within my budget (barely, i am paying cash. dave ramsey would approve). had to ask my boss if i could get my quarterly bonus check early, and get this, he said yes and even offered to loan me more if I need it (interest free). and I have 3 offers to buy my wrecked car and I just listed it on craigslist today.

I remembered the words from the sermon in Tyler's movie, something to the effect of "when you feel like you're gonna faint. Don't! cause that's right when God's about to do a miracle!"

okay, Lord. I'm going to look at this car tomorrow. do your thang! help it to be exactly what i need, amen.

again with the "T" word...

"It could've been worse."

that would be the most frequent thing I've heard the past few weeks, also my least favorite. i KNOW it could have been worse. it could have been A LOT worse. i walked away from the accident with only a bruised shin and sore left shoulder/neck, all of which my insurance is paying for treatment. the only scratches i had were from me ripping off part of the fender that was pressed against the wheel, so i didn't have to pay for a tow truck and (who knew) still be able to drive it. yep, funny, i know. i am driving in high style with my duck tape and plastic sheeting.

i went straight into emergency/survival mode, not taking one second to process the magnitude of what had happened: getting the low down from my mechanic, going to the chiropractor, working as usual and doing as many extra massages as possible (probably more than is humanly possible for me). i stayed in the denial stage and did not even begin to grieve for a good week and a half.

the tears did finally come. with them, i whispered, "you are the glue that holds me together, God." i had nothing else.

i put one foot in front of the other for a few days, making it fairly quickly into the anger and "are you freakin' kidding me? do we really have to go thru this again? and to this magnitude???"

i find it interesting to realize the reasons i trust. i think most of the time, i trust because i am supposed to trust, because it is not such a dire circumstance or one i have some control over. it feels quite different to realize that this one is completely out of my hands.

i have felt Him gently whisper as He holds me, "You say you trust me, but do you really trust me? Do you really REALLY trust me?" my cynical side says i should expect nothing less since my life group and i have been stumbling thru Brennan Manning's book, "Ruthless Trust." kind of like the belief that when you pray for patience you are only asking for suffering. part of me wants to stay mad and throw the book across the room. part of me knows this is a place i've needed to come to for quite some time.

i eek thru the days with much silence. even after the relief and blessing of my mom loaning me some money interest free, there enters a new dimension to the trust factor:

timing.

i've had to wait 2 weeks to look at a car that seems most promising because the guy selling it got married then honeymooned. you know, he was a bit busy. it appears that like my friend, Heather, God is ever calling me on to an even deeper level of trust: not only that He will supply all my needs according to HIS riches, but that His time table is different from mine and is perfect. what He has for me is far beyond my expectations, most certainly not just ok or mediocre.

but i have to be willing to wait for it, trust beyond my own capacity. all the while resting in the moment, believing, like Brennan says, not only in His promises, but having the expectation that He will fulfill those promises. i.e., He's gonna do what He says He'll do.

Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.