Monday, April 11, 2005

my own chrysalis

i know i haven't written in over a week. it's not that nothing has been going on, whenever i've had an inkling to write, i keep thinking, "oh, i'll write that later. i'm too busy right now." and then of course, that doesn't happen.

i think i shyed away from writing last week due to the comment by one of our fellow bloggers, Dan. i was almost offended at first, by the child likeness remark. but then i really embraced those words because they are truly precious.

for so long i saw the hard, ugly side of the world. it made me far too old for my few years. i felt weighed down, burdened. i felt i was creeping along at caterpillar pace. i was struggling to become, with what felt like no success, so i just kept going, routine drudgery it felt like sometimes. much like the butterfly, i had to be transformed. when i couldn't see, i was in the cocoon, growing, absorbing, being protected, changing from the inside out. then the struggle to strip off the old so the new can be free and seen began. did you know that the butterfly only has a tiny opening through which to wriggle out of its cocoon after its transformation from okay caterpillar into gorgeous butterfly? and it's the constriction of the fibers around it that strips away the old, freeing the creature to fly? if you helped the butterfly by making the opening bigger and easier to get through, then its wings wouldn't work at all because of all the old caterpillar stuff still stuck to it?

i saw the ugliness and hardness of the world for so long because that was the only perspective i had, like the caterpillar only seeing bits and pieces right where i am. my vision was clouded and that's all i could see. the transformation began. then the struggle, bit by bit, to wriggle out of that cocoon. strip off the old self.

this is one of my favorite posters:

it has hung on the wall behind my bed, over my head, for years. i AM a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)

i feel like i'm beginning to fly, test out these new wings. see more of the big picture now that i can fly a little, get above the muck and mire. i am like a kid, like a child, looking at the world with fresh eyes, fresh excitement, giddiness, freedom to be me, freedom to discover the best me in Christ. after all, Jesus was the one who said we must have faith like a child, we must come as little children in order to really get it. so thanks, Daddy, for transforming me. for taking me out of the blackness, the ugliness, the despair. thanks for stripping away the pieces of my old self the "cocoon" doesn't catch, the ones i struggle to reach on my own. thanks for giving me hope, for restoring my spirit, for giving me new eyes and a new heart so i can see the beauty and be innocent again. thank you for helping me see my own beauty.