Thursday, September 29, 2005

water deep

while at work the other day, a client said to me,

"You've got a lot of healing to do."

she was referring to me serving as her healer for the next hour, during our massage session.

it rang true as insight into my own state of being and gave me pause.

i smiled, raised my eyebrows a bit, and nodded in agreement with her.


i have been reminded this week that the pain to stay the same is greater than the pain to change.

Monday, September 26, 2005

growing pains

satan can get under your skin like bacteria in a pore, festering and festering and festering until you explode all over the place, just like a zit. yeah, i know that's gross. it happens. i exploded all over the page last night. too much festering.

it's so easy to fix physical aches and pains. i know what to do for those. my shoulder aches? i put some ice on it. headache? take some aleve. scrape my toe? put some neosporin and a bandaid on it.

what do you do when your soul aches?

last year this time i was wrestling with "who am i?" and "what do i really believe and why do i believe it?" now i am wrestling with "why am i?"


not general life purpose, i know that one, but specific purpose in each area of my life. purpose at work. purpose in small group. purpose at Eastland (new church start where i'm serving). purpose in my family.

you know, i've had lots of practice doing things. like bandaging an ankle, icing a sprained wrist, taking a friend for ice cream when a boy was a jerk, sending a card or flowers when you're "supposed to." doing is easy. my whole family is comprised of doers. we love to fix things, and people.

being is harder. becoming, even more difficult.

my brother is good at being. i watch him just be and am amazed. 7 years my younger, he is who he is, unapologetically. even when he makes mistakes.

i have been struggling lately with the knowledge that there is more stripping away that needs to occur within me. i thought i was done with it. it's hard to come through so much muck, finally feel free to fly a little and then realize there is more.

being is a little easier. becoming is still difficult.

i guess i had been given a breather for a while. it occurs to me that fall is always the precursor of a huge season of change for me. though it is my favorite season, physically, i don't know that i am liking it so much now that i know it's historical significance in my life.

i was challenged to write out my "Ebenezer" moments friday night, and found that there were quite a few in my life. this is where i saw the trend of fall - beginning of change, winter - things dying off, spring - rebirth/renewal, beginning of new growth.

so my question is no longer who i am, but why i am. what is my purpose? not who am i becoming? i get that. but why am i becoming?

it was enough to rest in knowing who i am for a while. just being. and i can still rest there. i get that now. i feel God challenging me to understand why i am becoming. to dig deeper. to let Him dig deeper. and i guess that's what is so scary.

maybe it's enough to just be while i'm in the midst of becoming.

the emperor's new clothes

my first instinct is to grab a cigarette, light up, and breathe in some sanity, even though i quit smoking a year and a half ago.

i'm scared shitless. old habits come calling at my door like a long lost friend needing a place to stay for the night and it's hard to turn them away.

i wanna run. i wanna crawl so far into myself that everyone knows i'm ignoring them and leaves me alone. i'd drink myself to sleep, but i hate the puking part. meds and alcohol don't mix. i wanna spend money on stuff i don't need til i'm so far in over my head that it overwhelms me and i shut down completely and quit caring.

sometimes numbness feels more comfortable than newness.

i know i'm supposed to put on the clothes of a child of the King, but right now i feel like the emperor with his new clothes only to find out i'm standing naked in front of God and everyone.

i feel like i need to shed a little more "weight" before the new clothes will really fit. it will require much more of me than exercise or eating right, sacrificing a pint of Ben and Jerry's is easy compared to what's being asked of me.


god i hate that word. the very thing i expect others to give to me, the very thing i give the least.

i feel like Lazarus, walking out of the tomb after being dead for days. i had started to rot, and no amount of perfume soaked rags that were still hanging from me can cover the stench. and i certainly don't want anyone trying to help me! i wanna clean myself up. so i try. yet there are still some death rags clinging to me in places i can't reach on my own. i don't wanna mess up the new clothes, so i wanna get completely clean before putting them on.

so i'm walking around naked, with a few rags hanging here and there. finding it hard to trust someone to strip off the rest of these old rags. feeling raw and naked.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Katlick,Babtis,or Methdiss??

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them. They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So, they went to the nearest church. Only the janitor was there. One said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

"Sure," said the janitor. He took them into the bathroom and dunked their heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, "Now go out and play".

When they got outside, dripping wet, one of them asked, "What religion do you think we are?"

The oldest one said, "We're not Katlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis because they dunk all of you in it. We're not Methdiss because they just sprinkle you."

The littlest one said, "Didn't you smell that water?"

"Yeah! What do you think that means?"

"I think it means that we're 'Pisscopalians!'"

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

a pirate's life for meeee...aaaarrrrrrrggggghhh!

break out the black eyeliner, i'm a comin for ya's Johnny Depp...

My pirate name is:

Iron Bess Cash

A pirate's life isn't easy; it takes a tough person. That's okay with you, though, since you a tough person. You're musical, and you've got a certain style if not flair. You'll do just fine. Arr!

Get your own pirate name from

Sunday, September 11, 2005

a night to remember

so we had A Night to Remember tonight at Eastland Community Church (the church i'm serving in/helping start in east nashville). it was a service of remembrance, for 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the Tsunami, etc., and also to let the community know we are starting services next week.

the music was great (provided by brentwood baptist, thanks Dennis Worley and crew, and our own worship leader Kevin Lawson), as were the dramatic readings and video interviews of locals. i was a greeter/usher tonight. so, i got to see things from the back for once.

homeless people came in. a few that had come to some of our outreaches before, and one even brought his girlfriend. you wanna see some people really worship with all their hearts? yeah, they did. and you wanna see someone really, really WORSHIP with tithes and offerings? let me tell you...

we were taking up donations for Hurricane Katrina Relief tonight (all tithes last week and this week are going as well). one of the homeless guys, Tim, came up to me (i was holding one of the donation boxes) and he pulled 76 cents out of his pocket. he gingerly placed it into the box, and said, "I don't have much, but I want to give it!" he smiled, and humbly walked on. i knew it was all he had in the world.

remind anyone of a story? yeah, i think Jesus told it. the one about the widow and her two mites (Mark 12:41-44). you wanna talk about the Bible coming to life before your, did it ever for me tonight.

as Tim is walking out, he stops and says, "Bless you, ladies! God bless you all! I mean that from the heart!" and you totally know he did. man, Tim, you may never know just how much you blessed me tonight.