growing pains

satan can get under your skin like bacteria in a pore, festering and festering and festering until you explode all over the place, just like a zit. yeah, i know that's gross. it happens. i exploded all over the page last night. too much festering.

it's so easy to fix physical aches and pains. i know what to do for those. my shoulder aches? i put some ice on it. headache? take some aleve. scrape my toe? put some neosporin and a bandaid on it.

what do you do when your soul aches?

last year this time i was wrestling with "who am i?" and "what do i really believe and why do i believe it?" now i am wrestling with "why am i?"

Purpose

not general life purpose, i know that one, but specific purpose in each area of my life. purpose at work. purpose in small group. purpose at Eastland (new church start where i'm serving). purpose in my family.

you know, i've had lots of practice doing things. like bandaging an ankle, icing a sprained wrist, taking a friend for ice cream when a boy was a jerk, sending a card or flowers when you're "supposed to." doing is easy. my whole family is comprised of doers. we love to fix things, and people.

being is harder. becoming, even more difficult.

my brother is good at being. i watch him just be and am amazed. 7 years my younger, he is who he is, unapologetically. even when he makes mistakes.

i have been struggling lately with the knowledge that there is more stripping away that needs to occur within me. i thought i was done with it. it's hard to come through so much muck, finally feel free to fly a little and then realize there is more.

being is a little easier. becoming is still difficult.

i guess i had been given a breather for a while. it occurs to me that fall is always the precursor of a huge season of change for me. though it is my favorite season, physically, i don't know that i am liking it so much now that i know it's historical significance in my life.

i was challenged to write out my "Ebenezer" moments friday night, and found that there were quite a few in my life. this is where i saw the trend of fall - beginning of change, winter - things dying off, spring - rebirth/renewal, beginning of new growth.

so my question is no longer who i am, but why i am. what is my purpose? not who am i becoming? i get that. but why am i becoming?

it was enough to rest in knowing who i am for a while. just being. and i can still rest there. i get that now. i feel God challenging me to understand why i am becoming. to dig deeper. to let Him dig deeper. and i guess that's what is so scary.

maybe it's enough to just be while i'm in the midst of becoming.