april showers bring what?

so nobody's blogging much lately, not anything more than the cutest new survey or blah blah blah stuff. anyone else notice that? i did. and i guess i'm fussing at myself, too.

i don't know about anyone else, but this is the time of year i get really reflective. introspective. pretty much all the HUGE events in my life, whether they be positive or negative, have happened around this time. that transition between winter and spring, it gets me every year. i get what i call "squirrelly" which means to me that i'm stressed for no apparent reason and feeling the need for a road trip/vacation which most of the time is something i can't afford so i get even more stressed out cause i can't go anywhere and then i start the whole self-analyzation to try and figure out why i'm so stressed since i can't go anywhere so i can somewhat decompress which doesn't usually work too well and leaves me still feeling the need for a road trip.

you feeling stressed yet just following that thought? yeah, me too.

funny thing is, this year, i can actually go on vacation. a REAL vacation. not a road trip where i just meander my way down to south alabama and back, visiting friends and family along the way. but a real vacation! where i get to go somewhere and do stuff for fun, not worrying about how many visits i have to fit in to the day before i take off again. i could go on a cruise, maybe an adventure type one - horseback riding, cabin on a lake, rock climbing, hiking, etc, or chill at a spa for a few days in the middle of nowhere. yes, indeed, i received good news from my accountant last week and ima goin on a vacation!

so why am i still feelin "squirrelly"? yeah, i asked myself that, too. my jaw swelled up last week on the right side just like it did last year this time. no wisdom tooth involved this year. maybe it wasn't last year either. very strange indeed. now i know that our bodies have memory. our muscles tend to remember traumatic events even when we aren't consciously remembering them. i simmered on that today while i was working. what is it about this time of year? my dad's birthday is coming up. there have been a lot of years that i forget it, probably unconsciously on purpose. it's that escape artist thing. pretend the tension between you doesn't exist turns into pretend there is no birthday so i don't have to think about it and deal with it.

dad and i have been making strides in recent years. sincere on both our parts, i believe. i think we both still have some hurts that need healing, though. i know i do. it's like there's a part of me that really needs a Dad. i really want a Dad, but i don't think my dad can be that for me. so then i think maybe i can relate to him adult to adult, maybe as a friend. then i have to admit i wouldn't want to be his friend, having the history we do. if we could start fresh, it'd be a helluva lot easier. i see him making sacrifices for his new family he never did for us and that's hard for me. his new wife and kid deserve a good life. i'd want them to have a good life. and i know he deserves to be happy, as much as any of us deserve anything. Christ died for my dad as much as me so grace is supposed to cover us both. i'm discovering that what's weird for me now is that i'm in a place where i don't want bad things for him anymore, but i'm not sure i want good things for him either and that's really hard.

how i grieve for our fallen nature, my fallen nature, my dad's fallen nature. i grieve for the time we've lost. i grieve for the wierdness between us. i just grieve. how much joy and happiness we could swim in freely if we could just let go enough to really trust God. if i could just let go enough to really really trust God...


so anyway, i'm going on vacation. soon. like two weeks away soon. i might even get to write the whole thing off as a business trip. wouldn't that be groovy?